myself from yesterday

I hardly remember myself from yesterday. Four days back i was more than reasonably happy with my life. I remember of being happy. How it feels. Like a past life. I was not thinking about the future. I have realized that even that can be a great measure of happiness. Being able to not think about the future at all. When which restaurant you are going to tomorrow or which movie you should see and what show bothers you more than anything else. Like the real problems of life. There is a bliss in ignorance. Real problems like when are you going to get done with your studies and find a real job, and when are you going to get married and have kids, and when you are going to be 'actually' happy! Of course there is no guarantee of happiness but according to convention you should be happy once you have a family and a nice job and a nice house etc. I like conventions, they bring at least some certainty to life. A certainty of accomplishment or failure. Sometimes certainty of failure is better than no certainty at all. When you constantly have to think about the future. It is very harmful to the present. But what if I cannot stop thinking about the future. Because happiness is in the future and not in the present. I cannot understand this paradox. I am not happy right now because I am constantly worried about the future, yet the good memories I have of the past are from a time when I did constantly worry about the future too. Meaning I could make good memories even when I was constantly worried about the future. It is a little complicated to sort out logically.
I have some many things in my mind but have no idea how to express them. I would love to write a book. But frankly I have no talent to tell a good story neither do I have a desired command on the language. I can reasonably master my though process but I cannot master which I have no control on. I would really love to be able to write a book some day. A fiction which I myself would love to read. A book about what I am thinking. It would be a little selfish I presume to write a book about my thinking etc. But I guess the exercise of writing a book itself if a selfish act. Wanting someone to know you inner thoughts. It is 'metaphysically selfish'. I just thought of that term, sort of a pop annotation for an act which cannot be justified as selfish in the physical world. Random bullshit.
I cant believe I am writing here after October. That make it a hiatus of 3 months. I just finished reading Upamanyu Chatterjees "English, August". Brilliant book. Still churning in my thought. Got it from Modern book depot with Pi. I had been wanting to read it for a while, and finally picked it up when I went with her to buy something she needed. She wanted a copy of "Middlesex", but couldnt find it, I found this book. The last month with Pi was beautiful. I was happy and not thinking about the future, only about what restaurant were we going to next. That was me from yesterday. Almost feel like I cant tell. Does this sound pretentious? Its true. I dont know how to make it sound non pretentious! This morning when I was walking to the department, seeing the familiar buildings, the ice arena, the running track, the health center, I felt like I didnt know these buildings. I got the distinct feeling of not knowing what I am doing here. Again to the same life? Why? I dont want to see these places! Not because I hate them or something, but only because its just too painful to see these places agian. Having left behind everything. And every place that I went to with her. Bandstand, Carter road, Marine drive, cafe universal, ccd, everything. Those places I want to be. Those places are my home. Then why am I seeing these buildings? I almost want to apologies to the building, 'its not you ... its just that I want to be somewhere else'. I like the life I left behind. I dont want to start living my life here in Kent again. I want all my lives to coincide. I cannot live different lives. Nobody can without hurting themselves. Myself from yesterday is a different life. Yet I will have to live this life until all my other lives coincide.