Goodbye Kent!

Its been more than a year since I posted anything. Lot of things have transpired.
We broke up on the 24th of August 2010. I surprisingly remember the dates well. I met her on the 18th of May 2007. I had just started my PhD and I was full of excitement. She had just started school and she was the epitome of innocence. It was beautiful. We loved and we fought. I went to India a couple of times but we spoke on the phone everyday. I think that was the killer. Not being able to see the person, not being able to touch the person you love. It was hard, but beautiful. She made mistakes and so did I. We tried hard but we couldn't see it through. It was probably the most beautiful time of my life, and I suspect for her too. Times like these don't come too often in a persons life. I remember the last time we met, how easily she unknowingly wrapped her arms around mine, and then on realizing we have broken up, moved away. I took the break up really bad. Even now not a day goes by without me thinking of her. I still wish we could be together, but I don't know how that will happen. My memories of her are tied to this place and next week I will leave this place, most probably for good.
There is a new life out there and I am scared. I am scared of making it work. I don't have the confidence I had as a young man. Not that I am old or anything, but I was brash when young, now I am more calm and calculated. Maybe that's what happens as you grow old. I have made some good friends and had good times at Kent. I will never forget those times. I will always be grateful to Kent for that. I was 21 when I came here, now I am 30! A good and important part of my life has been spent here. There will always be some Kent in me. But such is the nature of life, you have got to move on and look forward. I hope I will make some more friends where ever I go and have more fun and get married and live with my wife and have kids and watch my kids grow up and have my parents take care of my kids. I hope life will be as interesting as it has been.
Thank you Kent for this time. I will always be indebted.

Is it over? or is it not?

She would think ...

Why dont i sound happy? Why do I feel morose all the time? Well how am I supposed to be happy if the one person who could make me happy doesnt want to talk to me? I am somehow suffocating her I feel all the time. What the fuck do you mean by "space" anyway. Isnt asking for space a sure sign of discontent? Anyway all this is beyond me. I dont know if I should attribute this to "all women are crazy" or something else which I am scared to even think of. I am truly perplexed.
She asked me if I was mad at her. I dont think I am. I am over all that or maybe I just dont care anymore. It would be worse if I dont care but it wouldnt be far from the truth. I am scared that she is not looking forward at coming here to me. And the worst thing is that I know she would like to but she doesnt have the time to clear her mind to make that decision. Her preoccupied mind with me is in fact the very reason she cannot make the effort to actually come to me. I know that. It has been to long, staying apart is really hard. But someone someday has to take a stand and make a decision. I think i will have to accept all the blame and be strong and hope for the best. I dont even know what to think anymore man, my life is in doldrums. My work has been affected seriously and more importantly my thoughts have been too. Someone please tell me what to do. I suspect that no one will and this one I have to handle on my own.

What is happening?

What is happening to me? Am I getting old? The music I listen has changed. The things that I read have changed. I don't read the news anymore. Only sometimes. I find it too tedious. There is nothing in the news that I cannot understand. Earlier I used to read the news because I genuinely believed that it is important to know what happening around the world and yourself. But it is not. Its the same all over the world. The bigger problems are different. Those which nobody is paying any attention to. Anything which doesn't hit upon some of these bigger problems that I consider, is not news to me anymore.
What happened to me, that doesn't happen to most other people is that I got a lot of time. This is something which I didn't expect before getting into PhD. I never knew that I would have so much freeking time to think! While it may seem that it is actually a good thing, I am not sure anymore. The confidence which I had before of "knowing" that I can do something is not there anymore. Thinking has made me realize that whatever is happening is just too complicated. It simply is. The world is just tremendously complex to understand. And by the "world" I mean everything. Politics, people, relationships especially, growing up, staying young, getting hit, rising up, jobs, work, money, trust, friendships, moving from places, remembering good times, future, science, genetics, nature v/s nurture, seeing happy people, wondering why you are not happy, ignorance, parents, psychology, the human condition, eating meat, god, morality, philosophy, ethics, being a good man, being a strong man, what it means to be a man, love, sex, passion, missing someone so bad, forgiveness, trying to do the right thing, being scared of hurting and getting hurt, selfishness, virtues, my mother, my home, my father who remains strong despite everything, remembering smoking with friend in the evening, the smell of rain, remembering being happy, remembering my grand mom, remembering my home, remembering my love, marine drive, karnala, lonavla, alibuag, etc. etc.
What happened to me, I don't know. I don't want to figure it out either. I just want back everything again. Somehow I don't think I can have it. Lets see what the future holds.

I's

The number of "I"s I have in my posts, its shameful. Almost makes what ever that comes to my mind as selfish. I actually don't know if it really is selfish, to write what I think. I think writers have the talent of telling a story without the I's in them, but they still are writing everything "I".
I am in a serious fix here. I have been thinking a lot lately but have found it increasingly difficult to document whatever I am thinking. How do I do that? There is so much going on in my mind, how do I hack into my mind and record everything? I need to record it because I seriously think that it is important, not to just myself but even the world maybe. Too self-obsessed maybe, but still important to me. If I have a means to do that, them I can probably organize my thoughts efficiently. I think this is what good writers actually do, organize their thoughts properly, other that tell a good story of course.

It was only two days back that I saw the movie "Gabhricha paus" and the documentry "I want my father back" by Suma Josson, about the spate of farmers in Maharashtra and India on the whole. How the multinationals are screwing them. How genetic modified food is slowly making its presence felt in India.
It really got me thinking. Those really long circular thoughts, where in one thought leads to other and then the other to still another, without you reaching anywhere. Something has fundamentally changed in me which I cannot seem to explain properly. Pi noticed it some time back, I knew it too, but I kept quite.

This seems to be a too random post to continue. I cannot think of a logical end which I can arrive to without giving it too much of a thought. So I will stop.

myself from yesterday

I hardly remember myself from yesterday. Four days back i was more than reasonably happy with my life. I remember of being happy. How it feels. Like a past life. I was not thinking about the future. I have realized that even that can be a great measure of happiness. Being able to not think about the future at all. When which restaurant you are going to tomorrow or which movie you should see and what show bothers you more than anything else. Like the real problems of life. There is a bliss in ignorance. Real problems like when are you going to get done with your studies and find a real job, and when are you going to get married and have kids, and when you are going to be 'actually' happy! Of course there is no guarantee of happiness but according to convention you should be happy once you have a family and a nice job and a nice house etc. I like conventions, they bring at least some certainty to life. A certainty of accomplishment or failure. Sometimes certainty of failure is better than no certainty at all. When you constantly have to think about the future. It is very harmful to the present. But what if I cannot stop thinking about the future. Because happiness is in the future and not in the present. I cannot understand this paradox. I am not happy right now because I am constantly worried about the future, yet the good memories I have of the past are from a time when I did constantly worry about the future too. Meaning I could make good memories even when I was constantly worried about the future. It is a little complicated to sort out logically.
I have some many things in my mind but have no idea how to express them. I would love to write a book. But frankly I have no talent to tell a good story neither do I have a desired command on the language. I can reasonably master my though process but I cannot master which I have no control on. I would really love to be able to write a book some day. A fiction which I myself would love to read. A book about what I am thinking. It would be a little selfish I presume to write a book about my thinking etc. But I guess the exercise of writing a book itself if a selfish act. Wanting someone to know you inner thoughts. It is 'metaphysically selfish'. I just thought of that term, sort of a pop annotation for an act which cannot be justified as selfish in the physical world. Random bullshit.
I cant believe I am writing here after October. That make it a hiatus of 3 months. I just finished reading Upamanyu Chatterjees "English, August". Brilliant book. Still churning in my thought. Got it from Modern book depot with Pi. I had been wanting to read it for a while, and finally picked it up when I went with her to buy something she needed. She wanted a copy of "Middlesex", but couldnt find it, I found this book. The last month with Pi was beautiful. I was happy and not thinking about the future, only about what restaurant were we going to next. That was me from yesterday. Almost feel like I cant tell. Does this sound pretentious? Its true. I dont know how to make it sound non pretentious! This morning when I was walking to the department, seeing the familiar buildings, the ice arena, the running track, the health center, I felt like I didnt know these buildings. I got the distinct feeling of not knowing what I am doing here. Again to the same life? Why? I dont want to see these places! Not because I hate them or something, but only because its just too painful to see these places agian. Having left behind everything. And every place that I went to with her. Bandstand, Carter road, Marine drive, cafe universal, ccd, everything. Those places I want to be. Those places are my home. Then why am I seeing these buildings? I almost want to apologies to the building, 'its not you ... its just that I want to be somewhere else'. I like the life I left behind. I dont want to start living my life here in Kent again. I want all my lives to coincide. I cannot live different lives. Nobody can without hurting themselves. Myself from yesterday is a different life. Yet I will have to live this life until all my other lives coincide.

Obama Noble

Obama winning a Nobel peace prize is one of the most ridiculous headline I have heard in a while.
As I say, he is a modern day Jesus of Nazareth. A common man lifted to teh status of a demigod. Sad.

Roshomon

Just finished watching this superlative movie by Akira Kurosawa. I am incapable of finding words to describe how deeply philosophical this movies is.
The movie is an account of a rape and murder from the points of views of the rapist, the raped woman, her murdered husband and another eye witness. All the accounts try to justify the actions which satiate the psyche of the subject who is narrating the account. It describes how people will believe anything that will protect them from harm. Physical and more importantly psychological. It talks about how the human condition forces people to be extremely selfish and at the same time extremely selfless. The very reason why there is still hope left in humanity. Why on one hand heinous acts are performed on a daily basis and so are acts of incredible humanity.
Its a study in the selfishness of man. What makes humans inherently selfish? Its is not because humans go through a lot and then are conditioned to be selfish. But in fact the contrary is true. Its because humans are inherently selfish that they go through a lot. What is this need for having everything you want. And wanting more than you have? Why are humans so afraid of the truth that prompts them to protect themselves so viciously? Makes one wonder if humans really are that far apart from animals.
But nonetheless this is a must for any one who is studying film or anyone who takes interest in quality cinema. Beautiful film.