retrospection

Keeping this blog is probably the best thing I have done in a long while. Its like a long term relationship. I can see myself change through the post. I will change. I will write. I will remember.

the hot guy ...

WTF is a hot guy. I hear my friends who are girls often say that the guy is so hot. I mean wht the fuck. I dont care if the guy is good looking etc. Maybe at some level i do, because I dont consider myself to be hot. But still the concept in todays time that a guy has to be hot is abso-fucking-ridiculous. I am pretty much an old school guy I suppose. I value courage, integrity, honesty, loyalty, romance, etc. etc. I consider these are the true qualities that make a guy. I honestly believe that I live up to these values. I am not always successful but I try. In my opinion 'hot guys' intrinsically cannot have these qualities. You know why? Precisely because they are 'hot'! They have it too easy from the beginning. Character is what you get when you dont get what you want. Well the actual phrase is 'experience is what ...' but I suppose experience builds character. And unfortunately 'hot' guys most often than not do get what they want. Now obviously this is a generalization. I mean I know lot of fugly guys who have no fucking shred of respect for girls or good looking guys who have character. The alpha male sorts. But that is a rarity. And it also depends upon your upbringing. Actually it only depends on your upbrigning as to how you perceive yourself. Most of you will think that I am being chauvinist, and ranting because i may not be 'hot'. Well fuck that. I know what I am, and I have has my share of attention from the fairer sex. But I would really like to believe that it wasnt because of the way I looked but because of the way I am. I mean wtf.
What pisses me off is that little girls nowadays think hotness is more imp than a character. It wasnt always so. Sense gratification wasnt the priority. It isnt until these girls make thousand mistakes and are broken to the core, do they realize that its the character thats what counts, and then begin to find that perfect guy who is good looking and has a brain. And as it turns out guy with character know this and therefore take care of the girls. Ofcourse its not fair, but thats how things work. This is true in every culture that affords some amount of freedom to it practitioners. But this hot guy phenomenon is fucking gay.

A midsummer nights dream

Lysander:
Ay me! for aught that I could ever read,
Could ever hear by tale or history,
The course of true love never did run smooth;
But either it was different in blood—

Hermia:
O cross! too high to be enthrall'd to low.

Lysander:
Or else misgraffèd in respect of years—

Hermia:
O spite! too old to be engag'd to young.

Lysander:
Or else it stood upon the choice of friends—

Hermia:
O hell! to choose love by another's eyes.

Oh my love how I miss you. Can't you see that it pains me. Can't you see that you love me. Can't you see that everything else is superficial. Aren't we lucky that we have the pain of true love rather than have false happiness. O love please come to me. I will be there i promise. I love you Pi.

Loves me, Loves me not Do the math

I tried...

I tired to be away. But I cannot. I cannot write about anything else when there is something going on in my life. I dont know what it is. Is this just a phase or what? When does it end then? Thats what I want to know. Why does it hurt so much? Have I done something wrong? Why me? Does it not hurt her like it hurts me? I miss her. I am not a very strong person. I get anxious and panicky too fast too soon. Are those my sins? I am what I am arent I? Then why? This is supposed to be building up my character. I hope it does. Becuase right now I am willing to exchange my character for some peace. But I know I wont, I cant. Thats how I am.

everyone must take the walk...

Today I walked back home. It hardly takes 10 minutes to walk back from my deptartment to my place. But I hadnt done it in almost 4 years. Well 4 years back I got a car. I didnt have to walk anywhere and that generally made me happy. But today I walked home. And that too only because my car is at the shop. I had to stop in the way to breathe. I hadnt taken the road I was on for 4 years. Where did the time go? 4 years back, I used to take the same road everyday. I remember, first through the garden of Micheal Schwartz Center, then cross the huge parking lot, then cross the signal, and then finally to my dept. Its not even more than 12-15 minutes if you take your time. But I used to make that journey in 7 minutes flat. There was no time back then. Only deadlines. Not that I have time now, atleast it doesnt seem I have any time now. But those days were different, I was living for the moment and no moment could be wasted. Now I somehow feel I have stopped living for the moment sadly. I worry about shit in the future too much. I have to learn to live in the moment. Maybe because I have responsibilities and all, or maybe I have just changed. But I have to learn to live for the moment again. Not worry about the future constantly. Life is not about the future. As Heddinger points out, man hasnt found an answer to the question "what does it mean 'to be'"?. Man still hasnt. At least I havent. So early in the morning, when I had no car, I used to take that road to my department, to the student center, to the library, everywhere, I just used to walk. It pissed me off back then because everyone in the whole wide world seemed to have a car. I remember the day when I submitted my first paper. I had stayed up all night in the my lab completing the paper, and I walked back home at 8 in the morning when everyone was starting their days. That was my first paper submitted. I was exhilarating. There was a jump in my stride and a wave in my arms. I remember walking back home. I dont remember anything else. Of course I was back in the dept at 11 again. But I dont remember that walk.
I remember another one when it was 3 in the morning and it was snowing like hell. There was a foot of snow outside and I decided to call it a day. And I walked back through the snow. There was no one else in sight. It was christmas vacations and everyone was home with their families. I had just gotten a Research Assistantship and I had to get the stuff working before school started. So I was working till late. When I started walking I never thought I would make it through, it was snowing that bad. But I just started, each step taking more of my strength. I hadnt eaten anything since morning and I was mentally and physically exhausted. All i could think of was getting back home and getting some good food. But when I was in the middle of the parking lot I somehow had to stop and look around me. I was alone. There was absolutely no one as far as I could see. Usually there are a few cars even at 3 in the night, but that was an especially snowy night and no one was there. It was just me standing under a parking lot lamp shade looking around me. This one moment I remember of solitude I had with myself. I dont think I particurly thought of anything, but I remember I was alone, and how I have been at that place like a million time before but never been alone. That was the first time.
There are other innumerable times when I walked to my job in the student center cafeterias when I didnt have funding. At 6 am in the morning or coming back at 4am in the "night". The graveyard shift. Innumerable times. I have taken my car so many times to my dept but I cannot remember even one instance in which I remembered the "ride". I remember the day when while I was walking back home I saw a woman in the Michel Schwartz Center and "dude" got so freaked out that he thought it was a ghost or something. I remember the time when I was walking back home and a few drunk white guys pulled up their car on me and started abusing me. My first time being racially abused while I was walking back home at 2 am from the dept. Some memories I have of walking.
Today I walked back home. I had to stop for a while because I had forgotten how much that walk meant to me. I will try and take my walks more often if I can. And I hope I am making "paths" right now which I can walk over later.

Will the world ever be as big?

Microsoft Sustainability from Kray Cédric on Vimeo.

Just saw this video. Microsoft's vision for the future. Intelligent surfaces. Surfaces that can communicate, interact with other devices, transfer data, visualize data, sense physical quantities, basically whatever a computer can do and then more ... and then even more. This is what the geniuses at Microsoft think is the future. Intelligent surfaces. There will be no input device but yourself. All your hand gestures will be captured and intuitively reacting surfaces will respond. Just a blink of an eye will change the picture to next. Just a wave of your little finger will turn the page of the surface book you might be reading. Information will literally be at your fingertips. I think they got this very idea from that saying. "Information at your fingertips." Literally.
But my cynical mind as always forced me to ask. Is all this good for humanity. Was it much better when there were just maps to move about. Is it good to know what people are doing in a Japanese mall at this very moment. Is it good to know what your girlfriend or wife or mom is shopping for? Is that necessary? Is it good to know how to give mouth to mouth to an 80 year old if he/she has a heart attack on the streets of NYC? Wouldn't it be better to let him/her die peacefully. Since when is 40 the new 30 and 50 the new 40. That's fucking ridiculous. Why does anyone need so much information anyways? I can assure you, or myself, that there is nothing in the world which is even slightly meaningful to humanity that needs that kind of information. Am I just conservative. Quite contrary. I think about what humanity looses when it attains such unimaginable technological heights.
Will there ever be a point in time in the future when the world will seem like a big place like a child does? I seriously doubt it.

Introspection

Recently I have been finding this blog too "all over the place". Just like my life all the time. I always feel like aligning my thoughts, analyzing them and then inferring from them in that order. But never happens. Much like everything in my life. That is how I am. I simply cannot change it! If there is work then I tend to do it in a concentrated week or two rather than a month! I simply cannot "plan" out the work and then successfully tackle it. Is that a bad thing, if I get the work done all the same. Not too sure, but surely the means must be important than the end. Anyways I am digressing, the point is that this blog seems to reflect my character to the 't'. Its simply fucking all over the place. Ive been semi-actively blogging for two years now and I have posts ranging from my philosophy, to psychology, to politics, to shit happening in my life etc etc and other nonsense as well. Well ... from now on I will try to be more, for a lack of better word, precise, in my writing. I think writing whats happening in my life is just to painfully difficult, not because my life is shit, its awesome in fact, but usually theres simply too much to write and I am always at a lack of proper words. Case in point. And if I want to catalog my feelings, then at least it should be in such language that make me remember how exactly I felt. And although it is important I think this is not the place for that. I should and will make a different blog for that.
So from now on this blog will be about everything else except my life. Hardly anyone reads it, but I do sometimes, and its almost like someone else is reading it. And if I have to read about someone else's life and feelings and happenings in his/her fucking blog then I would probably turn it in and kill myself by shooting myself in the nuts. So be it. This blog henceforth will just have my thoughts on everything but my life. And I will be glad.